Freeze mode is the fucking worst
Freeze mode for me is when my brain senses a danger that isn’t fucking there because it likes to over exaggerate every goddamn thing in my life into a life or death emergency and just stops me dead in my tracks. I just simply cannot move1, my brain is like absolutely fucking not, you are staying here until I deem it’s safe. It’s at times like these where I hate my brain.
Yes, I know scientifically speaking that my brain is ✨protecting me✨ but sometimes I wish it wouldn’t. Yes, okay okay, that is a very flippant remark and I’m extremely grateful yada yada yada but it’s so freaking frustrating you hear me?! I’m looking at all you neurodivergent people out there, if you know you know, right?
I just go into full blown zombie mode. Mindlessly doom scrolling on social media, staring blankly at the wall, thinking of all the things that I could be doing, feeling guilty about not doing any of the things that I was thinking that I could be doing etc etc.
Spiral spiral spiral. My legs ache from sitting in the same position for an hour, maybe I should go and…NO! You must sit in the misery of everything that you have ever done in your life because you don’t deserve anything you piece of shit!
Welcome to my brain, it’s a wonderful sparkly place full of flowers and unicorns. Pull up a seat and revel at the marvels.
I am the biggest people pleaser that I know, and I like to think that I’m very susceptible to different expressions, remarks and tones that people make. If you happen to say something to me in a tone that sounds mildly like you’re upset with me then it’s all systems fucking go in the anxiety spiral that is my mind.
Sound the alarm, gather the troops, get to your battle stations. In order to fight this ghastly threat we are going to do the best thing imaginable…
We are going to sit on the sofa in the same position for hours on end ruminating about the ifs and buts of one tiny conversation which may or may not have had anything to do with you in any way shape or form!
Wooo! Isn’t anxiety amazing, don’t you wish you had it too?2
I do take this seriously, I promise. I guess my way of being is, if you don’t laugh about it you’ll cry. I’ve done a shit ton of crying too as of late so maybe that’s not the best analogy to use. I guess you could say instead that the only people that can take the piss out of people with anxiety are people with anxiety. I dunno, I’m new to this writing gig, let me be.
As I’m sure you can imagine, I go to therapy. Hi Gemma, it’s me finally doing what I wanted to do *waves*
ANYWAYS, this has been a common thing that we’ve talked about on many an occasion. Thanks to Gemma, and my endless hours of researching on google, I have a list of grounding techniques (which I won’t bore you with right at this moment) that actually work. You’re basically reminding yourself that you are safe in this moment and bringing yourself back to reality instead of being in the anxiety pit of the future and past which is my brain.
The good thing, is that recently I’ve been becoming more aware of when I’m going into freeze mode3 so have been able to sort of learn to control it to a certain extent. I say certain extent with a pinch of salt. To be honest, even just being aware of when it’s happening or when it’s about to happen is a massive step in itself.
I’m a big believer that these “problems”4 don't just go away. You can’t fix a mental health issue, you can only learn to become more aware of the triggers and learn to manage it in the best way possible for you.
To toot my own horn, I have come such a long way in a few years with regards to my mental health. It’s definitely not easy going which is a massive understatement because the road I’ve been on has been absolutely fucking terrible, but I’ve weathered the storm and I’m still plodding along. If anything, you can tell I’m doing good because I’m actually doing something I’ve wanted to do forever. THIS.
Remember, talk shit, live well.
I definitely have the physical capacity to move, but even the short walk from my sofa to my fridge (which I sometimes do in this state) is a mammoth task in itself.
Do I really need to caveat that this is entirely tongue in cheek? I’m sure you probably got that right?
Rather than realising 2 hours deep into an introspection on my life
I put problems in inverted commas because I couldn’t think of what I wanted to say, don’t come for me, I mean no harm, I am one of you.