I’m currently at work 5 hours early because I’m too anxious and depressed to stay at home.
Woo! What a depressing way to start this post.
I’ve always prided myself on the fact that I wanted my content to be raw and authentic and I feel like this is as raw and authentic as it comes. Writing out my feelings into something like this, for me, is a lot healthier than just rotting and crying in my room all day1, so we’re taking this as a win.
My mind right now is somewhere that you would not want to be - it’s a mess. I think the only reason I’m able to find a way through, and wade through the fucking muck, is because I’m just so used to it at this point.
My mental health goes in circles.
I’ve even created a little diagram to explain. Go me!
On top of the world
Plain and simple, I feel really good in myself and feel like I can do anything (which I can). I’m doing all the things, working on myself and just generally feeling like everything’s going in the right direction.
Do too much and burn out
Riding the high of being on top of the world, I try and take on too much. Alongside this, I put SO MUCH fucking pressure on myself to do all the things consistently and perfectly. The standards I set for myself are ridiculously high that it’s just not attainable, which is why I then feel shame and guilt for the fact that I’m not able to do it, leading me to an inevitable burn out.
Trying to rest
All that being said, I do try and rest and look after myself at this stage because the conscious side of my brain is very aware of what I need to do in order to feel better in a healthier way.
Side note: At this point, sometimes I do circle back to “on top of the world”. I love these times because it saves me so much pain, but more often than not, it unfortunately doesn’t happen.
Feel like a failure because I can’t balance
When I still feel like a walking piece of shit after trying to rationalise with my brain in a ✨healthy✨ way, this is when the negative self talk begins.
“Why did you ever think that you could get your life together”
“You don’t deserve to have anything go right for you”
“Nothing is ever going to go right”
“No matter what you do, you’re never gonna get your mental health under control”
Really fucking bad
The absolute fucking worst. I’m stuck in a perpetual freeze mode that I can’t seem to get out of. I numb this out by sitting in my room2 playing phone games, scrolling social media, staring at the wall and just generally feeling sorry for myself. I will do this alone but will often pretend that I’m okay in social settings like work. I work in hospitality so I have to put a happy face on for a living. I essentially get paid to mask.
Wallow
More and more and moreeeeee of the same. Rinse repeat rinse repeat. By this stage I’ve stopped masking how I feel too in settings where I have to be social because I’m so fucking exhausted of doing that.
Acceptance and work on myself
Now this is a stage that doesn’t necessarily happen straight away. It could be days, weeks, months or even years before I get there - it all really depends on a lot of different things. It’s when I finally decide that enough is e-fucking-nough, something has to change. I start with baby steps, give myself grace for all the little things that I’m doing, and most importantly don’t put so much pressure on myself to do it all straight away because I just don’t have the capacity for it. Little by little I start to gain more confidence, more self worth, more self love.
…and then we work our way to the top again.
I think one of the reasons that I get into this cycle is because I’m subconsciously worried, when I’m on top of the world, that I’m eventually going to get back to the really fucking bad place. I’m worried about the circle happening before it’s actually happened, therefore I’m a self fulfilling prophecy.
I’ve spoken to my therapist about this so much because she’s witnessed so many of these cycles, but it’s the hardest fucking thing to get out of.
You wouldn’t believe it to see it, but I’m a lot better than I used to be. I’m a lot more aware of the circle of doom, and awareness, in my opinion, is key to the process of getting out of it. Once you’re aware of what is happening, you begin to notice the signs and can try and nip it in the bud before it gets too late.
This is, definitely, easier said than done.
I’ve been on a journey of self discovery recently.
As corny as it sounds, I’ve been trying to find out who I truly am. As mentioned earlier, masking is a massive part of who I am, and when I take away that mask I just honestly have no clue who I am. This is why I’ve been taking some time to figure myself out. What do I like? What do I want to do? What are my core values? What do I look for in a friend or a future life partner?
In taking the time to do this, in a weird sort of way, I’ve actually made myself feel worse. I’ve intentionally, and unintentionally, been isolating myself from people to do this and have started feeling bouts of extreme loneliness and even started questioning the strength of my friendships. It’s made me question everything about my life, and not in a positive way of what can I do better? But in a negative way of why don’t I have a fucking clue what I’m doing with my life.
I just hold myself at a standard that just isn’t attainable. I put so much pressure on myself to hit this standard that I’m just never going to achieve, and because I don’t achieve the unattainable I’m a shit excuse of a human being and don’t deserve anything to go right for me. I’m a let down.
Thing is, I know logically that this isn’t true, but good luck telling my brain anything different. I am trying so unbelievably fucking hard to help myself feel better, but it’s so fucking tough.
Writing this has been massively calming and cathartic to me in this time of heightened emotions. I’m so proud of myself for finding a way to help myself, that isn’t the usual survival technique of numbing myself out with my phone.
This post may have been a mess, and frankly I don’t care. If I find something that helps me to process even the tiniest bit, we’re sticking with it and doing it unashamedly. This is my little corner of the internet afterall.
Saying that, I do genuinely hope that the right person finds this and gains comfort knowing that they’re not alone in their struggles. This too shall pass.
Which I did all day yesterday ✌️
Which has more than likely turned into a depression tip by this time. My room really reflects my state of mind - as they say tidy space tidy mind, or whatever the phrase is.